his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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