I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
