I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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