Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
