I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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