just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
