Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
