Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
