You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
