I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
