he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
