I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Someone came in the potted fern
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
