once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
