nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
