We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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