We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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