I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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