We won't sleep together?
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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