I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
