Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
