you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
