He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
