I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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