that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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