if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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