I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
