Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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