you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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