someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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