Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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