the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
