yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
