i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
