I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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