I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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