I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
