a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
