Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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