After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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