Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
