i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
