some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
