Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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