pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
