Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
