He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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