My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
