My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
