I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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