every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I lost the right to judge tonight
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
